In our over busy lives we often create a “family” among those we spend most time with. If we are on the job, our co-workers become the people we are around the bulk of our wakening day.
Through mutual respect and enjoyment, we build a support system or Tribe. Friendships develop as we share life events, good and bad. We grow to appreciate each other’s skills/talents and collaborate together for a common good. We choose intimates who have similar interests and values. Most important are those people who allow us to feel comfortable and safe. And it doesn’t hurt if we also laugh together.
Scientists who study the brain are learning that social connections light up our pleasure centers as much as drugs, sugar, and sex. In fact research shows that having solid relationships is vital for our wellbeing. When we become isolated, we suffer and wither like a leaf on a vine.
Our deepest desires are to feel safe and belong. According to Dean Ornish, M.D. “study after study have shown that people who are lonely, depressed, and isolated are three to ten times more likely to get sick and die prematurely compared to those who have a strong sense of love and community. Intimacy is healing.”
So what happens when our social support is interrupted by a transition? When we move or change jobs, it can lead to a disruption in the relationships we have created. While we pledge to stay in touch, it takes great effort when proximity is absent.
Monica is retiring from her main career and moving with her husband to a warmer climate. Over 20 years she has built up meaningful connections and affection with several of her colleagues. They worked on projects together, had lunches, celebrated birthdays, babies, and weddings and comforted each other in times of stress. Martha is ready to leave her job, but not her co-workers. How will she start over in a new place?
Not only is Monica losing the familiar support of her tribe, she is not entering another workplace with new faces. Like many people over 50, Monica plans to start her own business. Instead of driving to work, she will be at home as a consultant. What are Monica’s options? Will she keep her current friends, make new ones or a combination?
Although Western society promotes individualism, it’s difficult to handle everything on our own. Individuals differ in how many relationships they need and can nurture. When you consider the depth of your social support, are you complete or short?
Sometimes we feel scattered and not able to keep up with all our connections including family. If the hard truth is that you need fewer not more people in your life, it helps to evaluate which relationships drain you or fill you up. It takes some courage, but the reward is great to winnow out those people who sap your energy or bring a negative cloud.
However if you are wanting in connections, there are opportunities to change that. Adding new blood, variety and intergenerationality to your tribe allows you to grow and benefit.
Where does one search for new tribe members? Sometimes looking with new eyes around the office or neighborhood allows you to notice someone who interests you. Also joining professional associations or activity clubs brings you in contact with a wide variety of potential candidates.
With today’s digital capabilities many people have virtual networks with people who become very close. For example, I’m in a virtual book club with women around the country who share my interest in self-transformation. Some I have never met face to face. Such groups may already exist or you can begin one.
The important piece of a tribe is these are people you can count on to be there in hard times or celebrations. People you can share honestly your hopes and dreams. People you can help and vice versa. They are a personal or professional “family” in addition to your own. No matter what your health condition, if you express purpose through caring about others, life has meaning.
“We don’t accomplish anything in this world alone…and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one’s life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something.” Sandra Day O’Connor
So how to assemble your Tribe:
Take time to assess your current connections
Decide if you want more, less or different
Employ fresh eyes in your daily life, who’s there?
Investigate where people with your interests congregate
Approach someone new. Smile.
Happy connecting and see you on the path!
