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patience leads to uncovering: finding work that fits

July 29, 2014 by

hourglass in sand

Ever want something to happen yesterday? Can’t wait until you leave a painful, current state to something better? This often occurs regarding health challenges and work issues.  But just like we cannot push our bodies into health, we cannot drop into the perfect work.

Some people I meet want to change jobs, but there is not much urgency, just a dull ache. Others need it to happen now. Maybe they were laid off or their financial welfare is in jeopardy. They want a solution fast and yet how can that occur?

It’s an uncomfortable place to be in when your life feels out of control. There’s a quickening of your heartbeat, a shortness of breath, a looming dread. You aren’t at your best, but it’s often a time when you have to make important decisions.

Yvonne was in a job she disliked and wanted to change. But it was easier to go along with the familiar than stop and look for something better. As often happens, life took action without Yvonne. Her company was sold and half the employees were laid off, including Yvonne. While she received some severance, Yvonne was in a panic. She hadn’t looked for a job in 15 years and didn’t know where to start. She knew what she didn’t want, but wasn’t sure what was possible for her. The work world seemed unfamiliar and the application process she remembered had disappeared.

People may say, enjoy your “time off”, take a trip, don’t jump back into the 9-5 just yet. But most of us want the assurance that everything will be ok. That we will land with a better situation or at least an equivalent one financially. We still need to put kids through college, or contribute to our retirement funds, or pay off the mortgage. How can we rest now?

Yvonne was lost at first. She looked in the newspaper want ads; she looked online; she talked to some people. She really didn’t have a clear vision of what she was seeking. Just a good job that paid a satisfactory salary.

But, what if this was an opportunity? What if this was a gift of space for Yvonne to consider who she wanted to become next? Often we are so busy taking care of business, we lack time to dream. When I retired from my first career, my co-workers remarked I was so lucky. I asked why they didn’t leave and they said they didn’t know what to do next. Well, the hard truth is you have to figure it out. 

Few people know exactly who they want to become when they begin college. They reach a solution through exploration, investigation, trial and error. Same thing happens when we are older and face a transition. It’s up to us to design our next step. No one can do it for you.

“The best teachers have showed me that things have to be done bit by bit. Nothing that means anything happens quickly–we only think it does. The motion of drawing back a bow and sending an arrow straight into a target takes only a split second, but it is a skill many years in the making. So it is with a life, anyone’s life…”

Joseph Bruchac

So Yvonne is at a crossroad. She can’t go back and to go forward requires some introspection. People change over time. The person Yvonne was 15 years ago is different than who she is today. Her interests, values, priorities, even strengths are slightly or greatly changed. Life has influenced Yvonne with her realization or not. She may have to take some time to get in touch with the current woman she is and then visualize the woman she hopes to become.

Many people I meet say they want to make a contribution by working at something they believe in. Money is necessary to support our lifestyles, but it may not be the driver it was when you were younger. Your priorities change with maturity, differing responsibilities, and with experience. You may not be sure what will bring satisfaction, but you can know what you want to leave behind. Life experiences bring life lessons to use in a new design.

So what can you do when you are at a crossroad?

Take a breath, look at what’s important to you
Explore alternative ways to work
Find role models and shadow them
Dip your toe in, see how it feels
Look ahead, not back

Happy traveling and see you on the path!

Filed Under: Career Transitions, Life Design, Self Knowledge Tagged With: , ,

the mysterious destination: enjoying the journey

June 30, 2014 by

Red Rock Canyon Landscape at Sunset

Last month an intriguing path called to me in the red rocks of Sedona. I noticed it from above and saw that it wound around a hill and went off into the distance. I knew nothing about it, where it went, how long it was, how difficult. Up until then I had researched all of my trails and was fully prepared. Why was this one different and why was it calling me?

So without consulting the information board, a trail map, or anyone around, three of us set off. It soon became uncomfortable for one of our party and she took a familiar path to the car to wait.

Two of us continued on the “Airport Loop Trail”. I knew the airport wasn’t far and that our transportation was parked nearby. Certainly this would be a fun, surprising adventure.

But the path took us away from our destination. We heard planes, even saw them, but couldn’t reach the airport. Along the way was a 360 degree view of Sedona. Very interesting and beautiful, but there was a nagging worry in our minds.

How long was this going to take? Did we have enough water? What about our friend who was waiting? Where did it end?

Without our sense of urgency, we could have eased into the process.. enjoyed the walk.. the newness.. the journey. But we kept wondering how much longer, where are we going, what will we find?

Our experience reminds me of negotiating life change. We may be attracted to something, but not have much information. It looks intriguing from a distance, but there are no guarantees of what you’ll find. You may not know how to get started and where to turn. There is no map.

Some of us dream from afar and never take the first step. Others jump right in and find they are missing a parachute. Patty was like that. She felt stuck in a job that brought more stress than joy. To take a break she traveled to Portland, Oregon where she refreshed in the laid back, natural atmosphere. Upon return home, Patty gave notice and started looking for a job and housing in Portland. 

As she delved more deeply into the process, Patty learned that Portland job opportunities were limited in her field. People were more highly educated and experienced. The pay was less, yet the rents were comparable to home. Now Patty had created additional stress instead of escaping it.

What Patty lacked was a clear vision, information, and a strategic life plan. Often when we reach the tipping point for change, we want it to happen fast. We fail to look at all sides. We know we don’t like where we are and think anywhere else will be better. And yet that new situation may not fulfill us either. How can we know for sure? We want that guarantee that we’ve found the correct fit.

“Being at ease with not knowing is crucial for answers to come to you”

Eckhart Tolle

How much can we really predict and be sure of? How much unknown can we tolerate? I didn’t know until I was well on that trail that I would like it, that I could do it. And I had no guarantee that the path at the beginning would stay the same. What if the terrain changed and it became too difficult. What if it ended abruptly, what if the steepness became overwhelming?

Even with our research, surprises happen. How will you prepare for those surprises? When do we turn around, when do we call for help, when do we change direction?

Some tools to help when you’re in unknown territory:

A belief in yourself
A trust in the process
Flexibility when the unexpected occurs
Willingness to ask for help
Gratitude for the opportunity

As far as the hike, we did reach the end of four miles and our friend was waiting for us. We’d do it again, but this time we’d be better prepared.

Happy adventures and see you on the path!

Filed Under: Career Transitions, Life Design, Uncategorized Tagged With: ,

turning points: events that change your life

May 15, 2014 by

Sign post

Ever wonder what influences you to change direction after being on a steady path? Sometimes it’s your deliberate act and other times it’s more unanticipated. You go along in life taking care of business, often operating on auto pilot and wham, something hits you over the head. Maybe it’s a break up, a new boss, you get sick, or your last child leaves home. But something happens to get your attention.

Then the questions start flowing: Why am I here? What am I doing? Am I happy? What do I want? You begin to question everything that is familiar. You wonder what would happen if you changed direction. An opening beckons. 

Molly worked hard for 15 years climbing the ladder in her company. She was successful and engaged at work. The only things missing were a partner and children, or so she thought. Then Molly met Howard. He was someone who shared many interests. They began to spend time together and Molly’s life outside of work became rich and full.

Both Molly and Howard are committed professionals in their fields and yet something else began calling them. They talked of living overseas and helping those in need. Their meeting changed the plans they had previously designed. Together they created a new vision, which they are carrying out together.

Have you ever met someone who changed your life? Maybe it was a teacher, or a classmate/colleague, or a new friend. But you know that person touched your life in a way that changed it forever. Maybe they introduced you to something new or their presence stimulated you to think in creative ways and take risks. One benefit of interacting with new people is an infusion of innovative ideas and possibilities.

Ingie was frustrated in her job. During two years, her efforts to gain greater responsibility were stymied. She watched others get promoted who were less skilled than she. She questioned what she was missing and how long she should wait. Then Ingie met Sharon at a networking event. They shared some professional interests and held a captivating conversation. When Ingie took Sharon’s card, she noticed she was a manager. She decided to contact Sharon and set up an informational interview which eventually led to a job offer for Ingie. She made the move and is now working at a level more aligned with her skills and passions. Ingie is thrilled.

Sometimes it takes a significant loss to get our attention and lead us to a turning point. It can be a lost relationship, a health scare, a death of someone close, or a layoff. In these extreme times of stress we may be awakened to what we value. Instead of proceeding on automatic, we stop and take notice of what’s most important. This is an opportunity to reflect and adjust our lives and often a time of energy renewal.

“Sometimes the course of our lives depends on what we do or don’t do in a few seconds, a heartbeat, when we either seize the opportunity, or just miss it. Miss the moment and you may never get a chance again.” 
Aidan Chambers 

Have you ever been fired from a job only to have that be the BEST thing to happen to you? You sink or swim to the next possibility. The same happens with divorce or break ups. At the time you wonder how you’ll survive. But when you eventually do, you are grateful for the new opportunity. Once you lift your head above the pain, your eyes notice a fresh vista.

Ways to make use of Turning Points:

Look back on your life and learn from those events
Take careful stock when something shakes up your life
Keep an open mind to the possibilities
Map out a few alternatives
Try two or three
Celebrate your new direction

Embrace change and see you on the path!

Filed Under: Career Transitions, Life Design, Self Knowledge Tagged With: , , ,

tools for growth: building confidence

February 5, 2014 by

Summer Fun

People remark, I’m not sure I can do it. How do I build confidence so I can approach my goals? Perhaps it’s easier to believe you don’t have the right stuff to accomplish something. You are different than other people. It’s easier for them. They can talk, step up, figure things out. You can’t. They aren’t afraid. You didn’t inherit those confident genes. Your family didn’t encourage you, or teach you, or serve as a model.

Is it possible this is all an excuse? Reasons not to try,  not push yourself? To stay stuck in a familiar but uncomfortable state? What does it take to believe in yourself?

Change and growth are possible. I know you’ve already experienced them. The next path may be long, it may be rocky, it may be harder than you thought. But it is possible. What is needed to take that step?

The vision of a better life can absolutely overpower the fear of taking a risk and changing. You may be miserable in your career. But rather than focus on that pain, how would it be to focus on the alternative…the life you desire? It’s like walking toward the light versus running from the dark. We need pain to get our attention, but the danger is getting stuck in that pain. Pain doesn’t necessarily propel us forward. Vision does.

If we make the vision manageable and attainable not a mountain to climb, it’s likely we’ll take a shot. So chunking the steps down into reasonable size makes us feel capable. Make the step just a little outside your reach so you think, hey I can do this. It’s like climbing or swimming. Conquer a small distance, look back, applaud, and look ahead again.

We all have something we’re good or even great at. We may not recognize it as our gift because it comes so easily. Robert, for example, can fix anything. He started taking things apart as a young boy. He had no fear and kept at it until he found the answer. Margaret, on the other hand, has a fantastic voice. She sings constantly as she goes through the day and has never had lessons.

By recognizing our gifts and talents, we can build a Mastery List. On it may go skills we’ve developed like public speaking, writing or tech savy or gifts we’ve inherited. Having a personal/professional Mastery List helps us in times of uncertainty. When we question our abilities to take on something new, a foundation of strengths and successes can bolster our confidence.

You’ve all heard “don’t rest on your laurels”. In order not to be stagnant we need to stay in motion. Try new things. Risk taking is a tool that leads us onto new paths. Feel the fear and keep going. Take a leap into the unknown, the uncomfortable. James had never been out of the country. He liked being familiar with his surroundings and speaking his own language. However, his boss asked James to accompany him on a business trip to Asia. The boss was showing confidence in James and requested his expertise.

James questioned his ability to function so far from home in a new culture. But he took a deep breath and decided to try something very much out of his comfort zone. The result was a bonus from his boss and a new project where James will share his skills with others. James is intrigued, honored, and excited with this new opportunity. And he found he loves the people and food of Thailand.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

Building your confidence tool box:

     Create your Mastery List
     Applaud your gifts
     Design a vision tied to your interests/passions
     Take a calculated risk
     Chunk down your first step until it’s manageable

Keep your eyes ahead and see you on the path!

 

 

 

Filed Under: Life Design, Self Knowledge Tagged With: ,

new year, new beginnings

January 8, 2014 by

Sunrise over the meadow

The beauty of a New Year is the feeling of a fresh start. The old is behind us and we can choose to let go of regrets. In fact we are inspired to review and renew. But how to begin and what to focus on?

One way to begin is to focus on what went well, the wins of the prior year. What stands out as something you are proud of, thrilled that happened, couldn’t live without? Perhaps you finished a long term project which brought you new opportunities or joy. Maybe you were recognized for your innovation, leadership or creativity. Perhaps you finally mastered a new tech tool. Whatever it is, write down the wins of the year past, small or large.

What do the wins tell you? They probably reflect your values. We tend to honor those things we value. For example, if recognition is important to you, an award or bonus will count as a win. If family is a value, a reunion with your relatives will be one of your wins.

Our wins also reflect our personal mission: why we are here. If feeding hungry people is your mission, then progress in that area constitutes a win for you.

Once you have your wins and their significance, you can design a thread that continues into the New Year. What do you want to continue, have more of? What do you want to substitute? June was a writer who completed her book and tour in 2013. While that was a professional accomplishment and very satisfying, this year she wants to switch gears and express herself in a different way.

It’s common for our interests and passions to evolve. We may choose to keep 80% of our routine, but bring in 20% of something new. The new could be in the area of work, relationships, play, health, giving back, adventure, creativity, spirituality, or learning. What do you want to try on? It’s like shopping and trying on new shoes. What’s going to fit for you? What have you been missing as you scan your current level of satisfaction with life?

For Roger it was missing creative expression. His career involved analytic thinking and Roger longed for a break from his left brain focus. He was a lover of sculpture and wondered what it would be like to get his hands on some wood. So for the New Year, he enrolled in a woodworking class. Now Roger is finding new energy and passion in his craft. He’s meeting new people, leaving work on time, and feeling great satisfaction seeing immediate and tangible results.

What’s calling you? Sometimes we are overweighted in certain areas of our life: too much work, not enough activity. Too much family, not enough friends. Too much head, not enough heart.

Marc Freedman author of “The Dangerous Myth of Reinvention” points out that a complete life reinvention isn’t needed. Rather we can continue to build on who we already are. By heeding the lessons learned from our successes and failures, we increase our self respect and compassion.

So what are the lessons learned from last year? What stands out as the best investment in yourself? Was it education, a relationship, a challenge, a new adventure, a contact, or a new skill? When an investment pays you back in self understanding, satisfaction, clarity, connection, or wisdom, it is a valuable one.

So choose wisely as to where you want to use the precious commodity of time in the New Year. One year from now, what will bring you a smile as you look back?

     “The chief beauty about time is that you cannot waste it in advance. The next year, the next day, the next hour are lying ready for you, as perfect, as unspoiled, as if you had never wasted or misapplied a single moment in all your life. You can turn over a new leaf every hour if you choose.”     Arnold Bennett

Here are some ways to get started:

Identify your wins
What values are expressed?
Design a ritual to represent what you let go of and take on
Take the first step within two weeks

Happy beginnings and see you on the path!

Filed Under: Life Design Tagged With: ,

l hate my job: options when you feel trapped

November 21, 2013 by

Young women flying a rainbow kite

It’s one of the most difficult things to say and for another to hear: “I hate my job”. Perhaps hate is too strong a word, but you may feel close to it. We spend so much time at work we expect that we will like our job, at least some or most of it. We don’t take a job thinking we’ll hate it. We weigh the pros and cons and go in with the belief that this is what we’re looking for or need at the present time.

So what changes? Our work is so important, that we often take our self esteem and identity from our successes or failures. We exit a job changed, usually for the better but sometimes for the worse. The job we begin is rarely the job we leave. Much happens along the way.

What leads to lack of fit or even to hate in a job? A frequent reason for hating a job is feeling underappreciated. These days organizations are operating with less, resulting in existing staff having to take on larger workloads. The stress that comes from extreme workloads wears down employees. Workers desire appreciation from their bosses, a recognition of all they do under difficult circumstances. When that is missing or even replaced with criticism, harshness, and pressure, people turn inward and become hopeless.

If we are unhappy, why don’t we just find a new job? Some people feel trapped. The golden handcuffs of salary, health insurance or retirement benefits keep people tied to current jobs. They think they have to stay 5, 10, 15 more years or lose everything. Additionally, they don’t know where else to go or fear they won’t be hired again. Their confidence has been pounded down. Their job seeking skills are rusty and out of date.

David is someone wanting to change jobs, but lacking confidence. As a manager, he creates innovative programs, helps clients, and is loved by his staff. However, a new management sees David differently. Their measuring sticks emphasize widely distinct results. And David is being asked to change his formerly successful approach. He views this as a renunciation of his value.

Other reasons people become disillusioned with their jobs is they are bored. Their interests have changed. We aren’t necessarily meant to stay in the same role 10-30 years. Hopefully our work gives us opportunities to develop and take on different responsibilities during its life cycle.  But sometimes that isn’t possible or people fail to stretch themselves.

The trapped feeling results in resentment and anger. Even though change is possible and there is an exit, we fail to recognize it. How do we survive and thrive in uncomfortable situations? Recognizing your own worth and seeking feedback from a broad cross section of people are essential. We need to become our own cheerleaders and not depend upon our superiors to provide that. It’s nice when they do, but we can’t count on it.

Believing we have choices gives us freedom. There is always a choice. We choose to stay for various priorities, such as security. We can choose to leave for others, like autonomy. Repeating the mantra “I made this happen; I can create something better” is a tool for believing you can take action.

“Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out”  Michael Burke

Even making a small shift can benefit you.  It may be meeting more of your needs and interests outside of work. Boosting that part of your life allows joy and abundance to flow into your personal life. It may be taking a class, immersing yourself in a hobby, joining a club. We rarely fulfill all of our passions on the job.

Finally, focusing on what is working on the job promotes a positive outlook.  Perhaps there are co-workers you enjoy. Spend more time with them, find ways to work together on projects, and use each other for support. Invent ways to learn new skills. Make your workspace nurture you with objects that mean something special, like photos, pieces of nature, special colors. Don’t forget to get some movement and fresh air into your daily life. Take breaks. Dr. Andrew Weil says we are suffering from Nature Deficit Disorder. Take action during the daylight. Learn what healthy behaviors boost your mood and make a practice of them.

Believe you can do it. See you on a new path!

 

 

 

Filed Under: Career Transitions, Life Design, Self Knowledge Tagged With: , ,

meeting expectations: living up to your dreams

October 21, 2013 by

En vol au dessus des nuages

Frequently people tell me they regret they haven’t done more in their lives. They reference the career goals they set in their 20’s and beyond and come up missing. They compare themselves to others who have done more, those who are in a whirl of activity and are well known. In a way it feels like junior high school: comparisons with the popular kids, the In crowd.

Where do these expectations come from? How do they pop into our heads? It doesn’t take long to hold our families and teachers responsible for instilling early expectations. Maybe you had helicopter parents or instead ones who encouraged you to follow your own interests. We needed our parents and educators to introduce us to varied sports, skills, activities, ideas and then we grabbed the flag and took off in various directions. How did you imagine your future when you were 10, 15, 20? What were you headed for then? Some of us are in the ball park and others far afield. I never became that veterinarian or U.N. translator.

As we picked and chose among various interests, we learned what we were good at, what came naturally, and what intrigued us. Sometimes we tended to follow what our friends were doing. It felt good to be part of the pack. Sometimes we were the leader who showed others how it was done. Other times we marched alone to our own music.

After a while we settled on a career and built our lives around it. But soon that comparing comes up again, whether we are the employee or the boss. We tend to feel we can always do more and wonder how others seem to do it all. Perhaps we live with a vague disappointment in ourselves, a disappointment which impacts our hope and energy.

 As we age, our dreams change slightly or in a huge way. In addition to our paid work, our priorities grow to include family, friends, interests, and community. Our lives become more complex with competing demands.We wonder where we want to turn next. We may care about money, fame, leadership, creativity, significance, or being a pioneer. Again, are our criteria internally or externally driven? How do you recognize the factors that define your success?

What I have learned is that our priorities are driven by changing responsibilities. Consider your primary responsibility now. What was it 10 years ago? What will it be in another 10? Before and after children are launched, education achieved, and financial stability gained, we may focus primarily on our own satisfaction: what will light us up? If we are spending the majority of our waking hours at work, how do we want that experience to be?

Losing touch with dreams results in a vague confusion. Many people state they don’t know what they want. They have spent so much time doing what they “should”, they don’t know how to check in with themselves. That’s a time when we are vulnerable to comparisons. We look at others who seem on track and think that’s what we want to do or where we want to be. The danger is that we pick a direction or value that doesn’t fit and we end up dissatisfied.

That is where the difference between role models and people we envy is helpful. Role models serve as inspirations for purpose and mastery. Think about who in your community you admire. What is it about them that resonates with you? My grandfather comes to mind. He worked until he was about 85 and also created beauty by gardening in his backyard. And he always made time to do things with me. He had a balanced and well-lived life that kept him active and smiling.

“When you stop comparing what is right here and now with what you wish were, you can begin to enjoy what is”, Cheri Huber

If we are clear about what we value, we are less drawn to compare with others. Instead we ask, “am I living the life I choose?” As I navigate my encore career, I am mindful of hundreds of opportunities floating by my eyes like clouds. They change daily, monthly, yearly and present me with choices of how I want to be involved. I can reach up and grab any of those clouds and try them out, discard what doesn’t work, and keep what does.

Instead of comparing yourself to others:

Contemplate how satisfied you are
Appreciate your growth
Take note of your wins
Embrace your contributions
Remember your lessons learned
Be grateful for today
Make a plan that includes all that makes you come alive

Happy travels and see you on the path!

Filed Under: Career Transitions, Life Design, Self Knowledge Tagged With: , ,

value added to your life: turn it upside down

June 20, 2013 by

Woman Hiking toward Cathedral Rock (Sedona, Arizona)

What is your philosophy of life? Have you developed one? Have you paused long enough to recognize your life lessons so far?

Recently while hiking in the red rocks of Sedona, I met a philosopher from China. He would call himself a cook, but he shared his life lessons along the trail. Joe worked extremely hard for over 20 years and now is touring the U.S. at his own pace. If you ask Joe “what are you doing tomorrow?”, he’d say “I don’t know yet”.

Instead he does what he feels like when he wakes every morning. If it means spending 3 hours patiently waiting for a butterfly to land near his camera or driving across the desert without stopping, Joe uses his intuition and interests to point the way.

Now if you think Joe must be retired, you’re wrong. Joe is 48. Earlier in his life he had different priorities: raising a family, making money to buy a house, helping his parents, becoming an entrepreneur. While family is still important to Joe, working long and hard is not.

When you scan back over your life, what emerges as your priorities? Do you notice you were more involved in certain roles, responsibilities, or activities at particular stages? Can you see that your life has ebbed and flowed according to the choices and circumstances present? Perhaps your calling wasn’t always expressed through your career. And that was ok.

I have another friend Caroline who is also in her 40’s. She works when she needs to and goes for long stretches of time when she lives off that money and does volunteer work. To Caroline her volunteer work is her passion and her work is to pay the bills.

What strikes you about Caroline and Joe? What role does work play in your life currently? How does your work meet your needs? The old model of working 40+ hours per week for 5 or more days during 45+ years of life is changing. People are moving in and out of work.

Instead of taking a break at the end of a long career, people are taking sabbaticals after 10 years or less. They are learning to live more simply, saving wisely, and not becoming captive to possessions. Even the old adage of home ownership as the American dream is changing. Many of us don’t want the responsibility or expense of home ownership.

What are you a servant to? What would you like to throw off or away? Joe and Caroline value their opportunities to chart an independent course toward their happiness. Neither are tied to a clock or a timeline. They certainly are in flow much more than most of us.

What if you took a leap like Caroline or Joe and tried something new? What do you have to lose? What could happen with this new sense of direction? How did Joe and Caroline break out of their traditional work schedules?

Something greater called them. At first it wasn’t clear what part of their lives needed changing, but they knew something needed to be different. They worked at figuring out the missing pieces by trying on interests gradually. Maybe that calling was percolating from long ago…an interest in adventure, a passion to help others. They fueled those interests and their creativity grew.

Caroline and Joe were rewarded for their efforts. They heard a “yes, this is what I want”. Some people find a way to follow their bliss part time on the side. Some do it for huge chunks at a time. There is no formula for everyone. Only trial and error and a willingness to take a risk.

Ready to dip a toe in?

Make a list of your interests and values
Draw lines out from each, developing the possibilities
Pick one and go investigate
Ask yourself if you want to know more
Follow your answer
Get in action

Enjoy the ride and see you on the path!

 

Filed Under: Career Transitions, Life Design, Self Knowledge Tagged With: ,

Uncovering Your Answers to Life’s Questions

April 20, 2013 by

dart board

People are searching for answers in all the wrong places. When I teach Life Design or Pre-Retirement courses, attendees secretly want me to tell them what they should do next. However even if I had an answer, it wouldn’t be the right one for them.

Granted when we feel lost and confused, we want a fast answer. I used to believe that if I just had the right information, I could live problem free. I suspected there was one answer that was eluding me. If I read enough books or took enough courses or had enough degrees, I would have the solution. I even found a cartoon in The New Yorker that said: “the point is not finding the right answer, but learning to live without one”. You can imagine I didn’t find that funny.

So what answer are you hoping for? How will it impact your life? Many people get very uncertain around transitions. What’s next often becomes very murky.  For example, graduation from college…a leap into the real world. Or retirement…what will I do with my time now? Or the death of a spouse or partner…how do I go on alone?

The emotions raised around these huge questions pressure us for immediate answers. If we could just know what to do now, we’d feel better.  But it’s not always about doing something, it’s often about being.  Who will we become now in this new chapter?  How will we express our values, interests, and talents?

What if we didn’t press for the answer and just spent time in this new space? What if we took time to let go of the prior self and prepare room for the new?  It doesn’t help that friends and family often ask, “What will you do now?” They aren’t comfortable either with your change of identity, focus, and purpose. Perhaps we all get anxious around change, the unknown.

Rather than a dark tunnel facing us, what if we viewed this time as an opportunity for investigation, possibility, and curiosity? Unlike the desire for a cookbook to tell us what steps to take, life design is an inside job. You have to figure it out, you have to try it on, you have to make the hard choices. So how do we create a smorgasbord of options when we are in transition?

Imagine a dart board where you place images of activities that interest you. What if you throw the dart and try out whatever it lands on? No commitment, no pressure, just a trial.

Now work is not something you can try on, you say. Work is serious. You can’t take that lightly. What if you could? What if you could explore different careers? We did that when we were younger through internships, volunteering, and summer jobs. What can we make possible now?

Here are some steps to begin:

Luxuriate in the unknown. Dream, free associate
Draw, scribble, use clay to represent what’s coming to mind
Find pictures of people doing what intrigues you
Paste them to a pretend dart board
Throw the dart
Locate someone who does that activity
Interview them
Visit and shadow them as they work or play

Pay attention to your emotions and thoughts. Depending on the results, go deeper or throw the dart again.

Have fun and see you on the path.

“Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not look for the answers…At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day…Discipline yourself to attain it, but accept that which comes to you with deep trust…”

 Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

 

Filed Under: Career Transitions, Life Design

Get Your Oar in the Water: Carrying Out your Dreams

March 21, 2013 by

Paddling

As difficult as it is to believe now, a few weeks ago I was half way around the world, river rafting on the Seti River in Nepal.  This was an adventure my husband had dreamed of for years.  So he made it happen.

As we drifted down the river chanting “Om Mani Padme Hum”, our new friend Augie Troncale reminded us that it was time to put our oars in the water.  In this situation we weren’t going  to get very far without paddling, but how might this work when you aren’t on a body of water?  When do you recognize it’s time to get your oar in the water?

It seems there are times in life when we aren’t giving full effort.  We are drifting, letting life take us where it might and going through the motions.  Often we get in a familiar rhythm of going to work during the week and on weekends doing chores, recuperating, and maybe having some fun.

How do we know if we are satisfied with our existing lifestyle?  What gives us a clue as to how well our life is fitting our dreams or expectations?  We may be cautious and afraid of looking too closely at what’s going on.  We may become concerned with what we see and not know what to do about it.  Or not be ready to make a change.

The risk of not looking too closely or evaluating how we are living our lives is that we may get widely off course.  We may end up living someone else’s life:  a life that has been prescribed by our family, society, or friends/colleagues.  It could become a life that no longer looks like it belongs to us.  We may end up asking, “How did I get in this mess?”

What are the signs that you are way off track?  Do you feel it in your body with aches, pains and fatigue?  Do you feel it in your heart with a lack of commitment or excitement?  If you are honest with yourself, you know when you are really off course. Surely it’s common not to have 100% of what you want in your life.  But sometimes there comes a tipping point, when you know change is necessary.

Something significant is missing.  If you ask yourself what it is, you may find it involves your relationships, or your work, or your place in the world.  Often in midlife people take a breath from the rush of responsibilities and look around.  When they look around, they see one or more pieces missing.  It could be adventure, new opportunities, excitement, challenges, risk, or meaning.  Or you could look around and see things you want to get rid of.  These could be stress, deadlines, overwork, boredom, or confusion.

These kinds of turning points may have come before and you may have experience navigating them.  Or this could feel different…like all of a sudden you don’t know who you are or where you want to go next.  That uncertainty can be scary and exciting at the same time.  One reaction is to put the genie back in the bottle.  But if you do that, what is the consequence?  Will things improve on their own or will they have to get worse in order to get your attention?

One thing I know is that self assessment is easier if not done alone.  You are not the first person to be ready for a change.  If you speak up, you’ll find there are many others in your situation.  But often we stay quiet and try to muddle through alone.

What I learned on that river is that we needed a Captain to guide us and also several people with oars in the water.  We all pulled together and arrived at our destination.  It was enjoyable and a joint accomplishment.  We felt supported and grateful that we worked as a team.

So here are some steps you can take right now:

Do a personal check in
Ask, how well is my current life fitting?
What needs some adjustment?
If nothing changes, what will I lose?
Where can I start?
Who can I share this with?
When do I want to get my oar in the water?

Happy journeys and I’ll see you on the path.

Filed Under: Life Design Tagged With: ,
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